Funeral and Burial Conundrum

Post date: 2018-09-19 01:02:13

My mother died this weekend, just shy of three months after my father. She'll be buried in the same plot as my father, which is presenting... problems. Help me work out which is the least-worst option, and how to communicate with my extended family?

Because my father's death and interment is so recent, apparently when the grave is opened to bury my mother, there is a significant risk of decomposition odours. It's a subtropical climate averaging around 20C across the period in question.

Personally, I'm OK with this. Well. Not OK, but it's a natural part of the cycle of life for me and while no doubt extremely unpleasant, is far from the worst unpleasant reality I've dealt with during my parents' prolonged illness and dying.

However. I can completely understand that this would be *extremely* upsetting to people.

After three long years of looking after my parents through illness and pain, I am in a fog of grief and exhaustion and just not able to think this through clearly. Also on my absolute last nerve with a number of relatives and family friends but want to remain kind and compassionate, and recognise that they have lost a sibling and a friend.

Proposed solutions to date:
The funeral director (who is very nice) is really new to his job and is seeking counsel from more experienced colleagues. So far suggestions include:
A. Rose petals at the grave; or
B. Something odour absorbing - maybe kitty litter.
And from my husband (a very practical man):
C. Check the wind direction on the day and make sure seating is set up down wind.

I'm not a fan of A because it will just smell like roses and putrefecation I imagine. B and C seem sensible but inadequate. And... that's where we're at. The problems I'm facing, as I see it are:
Logistical / practical and then social.

On the logistics side:
What if anything can be done to mitigate the odour? Something? Nothing? Is there some sort of standard practice?

And on the social side:
My Father's recent funeral (and all family funerals to date) have had a Church service (Catholic) followed by funeral procession, interment, then a wake. Family and friends are welcome at each stage of the day, no one is excluded. Ideally I'd like to do all this for my mother's family and friends too. The interment, prayers, and associated rites are a really important part of saying farewell for them.

Options I can see so far are set out below. But maybe there's something I haven't thought of?

Option One:
Carry on as before with other funerals. Service, interment, and wake open to all.
*Gently but matter-of-factly pre-warn people, and let them make their choice about whether to attend the interment or not.
My fears are:
*Hysterics at the graveside. Truly. Not from me. And not something I want to deal with, even though I'm not completely unsympathetic.
*Also that the unpleasantness will mar my Mother's farewell.

Option Two
Have an extended viewing/visitation the day before the funeral for people to say farewell.
*Gently but matter-of-factly let people know that the visitation at the funeral parlour will be instead of the burial.
My fears are:
*Some people who are coming from overseas or interstate won't be able to make it to the viewing.
*Others may try to muscle their way in to the interment anyway.
*The funeral parlour where the viewing is about 10km and 30mins drive from family. That sound pretty minor, but family are elderly, this will be a barrier.
*Funeral home doesn't have a more convenient location.

Option Three
Say nothing, do not tell anyone about the interment, go with my husband and the priest, deal with it being awful, then go to the wake.
My fears are:
*It will be a Thing and speculation and gossip love a vacuum. There will be hurt feelings. Please see note at end regarding this.

Specific Questions
1. What can I actually say to people? I need a script. If I am upfront and matter-of-fact (and I am leaning that way) the best I've got is 'because Dad was buried so recently, there's some concern that when we bury Mum, there might be some odours. So everyone has a chance to say farwell, we've arranged a visitation and viewing at ..... The burial will be private."
2. Is there something even vaguer or more euphemistic I could say? Something more science-y and mater-of-fact? Something else? Help.
3. Is having people at the burial just a recipe for disaster?
4. What haven't I thought of?
5. Have you dealt with this yourself? What did you do?

And:
*I'll see what the funeral director comes up with too.
*Am also asking the Priest, who is lovely and very insightful / clear headed.

Finally:
I know I don't *have* to tell anyone anything, or accommodate anyone elses feelings. But can we please take it as read that I would like to be compassionate and kind to my extended family at a difficult time.
This is important to me for *me* - not for anyone else.

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