Workplace friendships are strange, but either I've become impatient or this is stranger than normal. Wall of text below the fold.
R (cishet male) and I (cishet female) are colleagues who often work on allied projects, but dissimilar timelines/deadlines. R shares my sense of humour, my politics, some of my hobbies, and being a senior at the workplace, has been a very useful source of resources and information. He's married and there is zero weird/flirtatious vibe. I like him enormously most of the time. We have wonderful, stimulating conversations and plenty of laughter.
But R does not seem to understand boundaries. In the last few months, my deadlines have been many and with increasing pressure, while his have been spaced out. Sometimes, I've had to tell him that I cannot chat, or I need to get back to my work, and he has always, always reacted badly. Two incidents stand out. Once, after weeks of what I felt were perfectly normal interactions, he stopped talking to me for four weeks. Entirely. He went on a trip with his family and brought back souvenirs for everyone in the department except me (and this was a fairly public put down, because that we're friends is well known and that he brough me nothing is somehow also known). I finally had to ask him what was up, and he said I had somehow (no idea how - he did not elaborate even on questioning) made him feel unwelcome or that I never took the initiative for conversation. I was baffled but I apologized, then he apologized, and so the matter ended.
More recently, he had come by for a chat when I had just returned from a difficult meeting regarding a project. I was angry, frustrated and close to tears. I told him I couldn't talk then without meeting his eyes (I was rather sniffly and horribly embarrassed about it). He stomped back. I texted an apology for being rude five minutes later. He said okay. I thought the matter was over. He tells me a week later (again at my questioning because things didn't seem okay) that I cut him off with such brutality (his words, not mine) that he's now afraid to talk to me. I apologized again, and now things are back to sunshine and laughter. He said I must tell him about the work troubles later and that he would help.
Reader, I am a little annoyed. The first occasion remains a total mystery so I cannot even parse it. But during the second time, I told him it was a bad time to talk. I wasn't loud. It wasn't in a public setting where someone could've witnessed it. I actually said maybe six words in total, but yes, if he was coming over in a chummy, chatty mood, I did shut it down, because I was in no position to respond to it. Is that so bad?
He has been such a great friend in every other respect, but if I have to put in this much emotional labour in maintaining the friendship, I don't know... I'm ready and willing to apologize if I even unwittingly hurt someone. What chops my onion is the fact that he didn't choose to communicate. It's a workplace! Sometimes I'd be busy. Sometimes I'd be stressed. His workload is less than mine (he admits it himself). If he minds it every time I say I cannot talk, or cannot take a break at the same time... how does one address or fix that, especially since the other party just simmers in resentful silence?
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. Please help. |
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