Non-monogamous person having second thoughts. Wanting to try monogamy, but can't get over a veritable monogamy-phobia that was instilled after an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship. How to get over this fear? Anyone else have this fear? How to navigate being not quite monogamous, but not entirely non-monogamous or poly?
Some context:
27 year old cis het female, on a med to treat anxiety, and another emergency med in case of panic attacks. I have been diagnosed with PTSD caused by parental treatment in childhood.
So it seems I've been oriented to non-monogamy for as long as I can remember. I recall in kindergarten declaring to my parents that I had two boyfriends (neither of these boys even knew I existed, but such is the fanciful nature of childhood. Anyone who even complimented my dress was subsequently declared my boyfriend). Later, I learned through TV and other people about monogamy, and took it as a given that that was just how things worked, though I questioned my high school boyfriend as to why he would be upset if I (theoretically) kissed another boy, because I would not be upset if he kissed another girl. I'll say now, I've never cheated on anyone, and any non-monogamy was always consensual.
My first serious relationship (as well as my first and only cohabiting relationship) was co-dependent and possessive. Let's call this man X. We were deeply in love and built a wonderful domestic life, but I was young and didn't realize how damaging it was that he told me what to wear, what to think. I wasn't allowed to sleep over at my (female) friends' houses because I "belong in his bed, and only sleep beside" him. He used language of ownership, saying that we belong to each other. I was also not allowed to speak during sex (he would shush me when I spoke), and he dismissed any of my requests to indulge in kink, without further discussion.
Another element of this is that any threat to the relationship was also a threat to my well-being and livelihood. We were basically two poor kids who escaped our situation by building a life together, both ended up graduating from Ivy League schools, worked ourselves to the bone. So I panicked if I ever found anyone else attractive, even in passing, because there was so much at stake. When we finally did break up (at my request) I was at risk of being homeless. The experience was very nearly (and my therapist suggests, literally) traumatizing. The moment he realized I was serious about breaking up, he spent hours screaming, cradling my coat and rocking back and forth on the floor. I was afraid he would try to kill himself if I left him alone. He later confirmed this suspicion to be true.
I could write a novel about the aftermath, but I've already described the things that are relevant to my headspace now, so I'll just say that we separated and I swore to never promise anyone monogamy again. I read The Ethical Slut which was massively inspiring, listened to podcasts and had wonderful conversations with non-monogamous folks, and validated my philosophy on relationships and non-monogamy.
At present:
After a particularly painful, toxic relationship with another non-monogamous person, I am really internalizing the fact that it's not monogamy or non-monogamy that makes a relationship healthy, but emotional maturity, patience, empathy and communication. Something my (monogamous) best friend asked me planted the seed of doubt. She asked me if I became non-monogamous out of fear, and I said, yes, absolutely. Then she questioned whether I should actually just address the fear itself, rather than excluding monogamy from my options.
So now, having chewed on that conversation for a year or two, I'm reconsidering whether I really *am* inherently wired to be strictly non-monogamous like I thought (I am pretty reserved, feel overwhelmed juggling multiple friendships let alone multiple relationships, feel attraction rarely, and dating is scarce). The "dating is scarce" bit is what kinda concerns me too. And I forcing myself to consider monogamy because I can't find anyone to date and I want to expand my available options? Almost all the people I become attracted to identify as monogamous. And in general, it's so rare to find someone at all with a good head on their shoulders, who is emotionally available, gentle, and willing to understand as well as be understood. I haven't found anyone who (imo) fits this criteria in 6 years.
The thing is, I think I might have found finally someone who fits the bill. Let's call him Y. We haven't known each other for too long, but it seems so promising. I told him recently about where I'm at with being non-monogamous, but wanting to try monogamy, and he did confirm he'd be uncomfortable with me "seeing other people." I interpreted this to mean he's strictly monogamous, and though I totally expected him to respond as such, I nearly had a panic attack. It's a genuine, physical response of terror a the thought of finding myself in a relationship like the co-dependent one I was in before. My mind immediately conjures scenes of what *could* happen, how things *could* go wrong. My mind goes blank and I have difficulty speaking. This kind of response doesn't feel healthy, and I don't want fear to rule my life.
But now that my brain is clouded with fear chemicals, I'm having (what appear to be...?) reasonable doubts. Like, what if I'm totally fooling myself thinking I could dabble in monogamy? Am I just bowing to social pressure? Would the non-monogamy community see me as a traitor? Am I just being beguiled by my monogamous friends? Even as I realize this all sounds so over-dramatic, I am still tense with anxiety.
I just want to form a healthy long-term partnership that can mold and adapt to what is most healthy at the time. If I were to craft my ideal relationship, it would be one that is monogamous at first as we build the foundation of a relationship, and opens as we build trust and with the passage of time. What "open" means would depend entirely on the circumstance and the partner. It could be as simple as allowing flirting, or dancing with members of the opposite sex. But some of my monogamous friends would not call this "open." They would just call it "monogamy." I think what I really seek is just a chill-ass relationship.
I told Y that if we do decide we'd like to be in a relationship, we'll have to talk and clearly define what fidelity and infidelity means for us. I'm also terrified at the prospect of this talk, I'm always afraid of him blowing up like my first serious boyfriend used to. Ugh, I'm constantly *searching* for ways in which Y (or any man for that matter) might bear some similarity to X, and getting the urge to abandon ship the moment I find something.
I invite you to answer any or all of the following questions:
1) Do you have a similar story to share, and has it been resolved?
2) Do you or anyone you know successfully navigate a kind of grey area or "monogamish" relationships?
3) Should I stop dating Y before it goes any further? Should I wait until we know whether we'd like to pursue a relationship to have an in depth talk about monogamy? Or should I do that pronto?
4) Folks with anxiety or PTSD or anything similar- do you have methods for coping with panic?
5) Anyone identify as a nonmonogamous person who rarely finds others attractive? As such, do you find that you're able to be in monogamous relationships?
6) How do you deal with social pressure from both monogamy purists, and non-monogamy purists? |
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