I've been with my SO for 6 years and I've had doubts for a while, mostly pestering gut feelings that for whatever reason he's not the right one for me. I have many conflicting feelings, and a part of me thinks I should move on, while a huge part of me isn't sure, and another part of me wants to stay. I don't even know what tools to use to make this decision anymore. I'm feeling lost.
We've been together for 6 years and we moved across the country for me (job change). We live together. He's an insanely supportive, understanding, patient, nice, kind partner. He has basically spent the last 6 years completely supporting me as I went through some intense career experiences. We've known each other for well over a decade and I care deeply about him and love him very much.
But... a part of me... isn't too happy. The sex life is terrible (the number of time he has initiated sex in 6 years is countable - there have been years where we only had sex when I initiated), as he isn't confident and well, a host of other TMI issues. The lack of confidence has been explained to me as "well I'm afraid to disappoint you!" (after 6 years, come.. on! seriously?!). He's not always honest with me (small white lies because he's "worried" about my reaction), he hid his massive depression from me for years. And the biggest issue for me: he takes on no initiative. For the past 6 years I have made every single decision in our life and he has sat there passively and agreed with me on everything and let me drive the whole course of our lives. I have helped him get better jobs (by researching them and finding them and applying for him, as well as writing his resumes and writing emails to the recruiters), I have tried to push him to accomplish some goals that he has (he hasn't done them, and at some point I stopped wanting to babysit). I feel like a mother sometimes and I hate it. I don't mind supporting and helping (I'm exceptionally organized) when I can, but at some point it crosses over into babysitter territory. Also, his career is completely different from mine and we run in completely different circles. Our hours aren't compatible; we can rarely spend time together.
But... he's so supportive. And we can laugh. And we care about each other. And he's kind. And everyone that meets him absolutely adores him. And he absolutely adores me, completely and utterly infatuated (which might be a bit of a problem too - I feel like he puts me on a pedestal). The thought of hurting him bothers me. But... I don't want to marry him. He seems to be ok with that (I think he's in denial and telling himself I will change my mind). He'd probably, I guess, leave back to where his family lives if we decide to split. Or look for his own place here (although I would probably have to do that for him). He is lost and confused and without me his entire life would be shattered (his own words).
I don't know what to do. Sure, I could continue to be with him and it'd be ok, at times wonderful, and we'd be fairly content for the most part (although I'd be miserable about the sex life). I'd have an amazingly funny, patient, loving and caring SO. The other issues can be worked on and fixed, I think?
We have talked about this a lot recently and it's always left open ended. His argument is that he's been there for me through hard times and supported me unconditionally. Now he's the one that's going through a rough patch and needs me to be patient I'm not willing to do the same. He has been nothing but patient towards me - yes. But another part of me feels like I will always kind of be his mother. That he isn't that go-getter motivated guy that I am absolutely engulfed by at work, which, is ok? I think. But a part of me wonders.
I'm partly worried that: I have a few male friends who I've gotten closer to over the past few years, and that makes my judgment clouded (imagining being with them, thinking the grass is greener, etc). That being around intellectuals and super go-getters at work clouds my judgment (he will never be like them, etc). That the parts of our relationship that are good, are really really good, and that it'd be stupid to throw it all away without spending a lot of effort fixing everything else. Because then I'd probably throw away every relationship I'll ever have.
What do I do? Do I fix these issues? Do I put in the effort? Do I say, enough is enough, I'm too young to feel like I'm in a 20 year old marriage? I don't know anymore. At the end of the day there's that gut feeling that tells me to go, that I just can't shake. |
Video
Web
Image
Music
BlogU
