A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?

Post date: 2018-04-20 04:07:49
Views: 84
Can a (newly self-diagnosed) aspie/high functioning autistic and someone who suffers from major depressive disorder and anxiety realistically have a happy, healthy relationship?

I have spent seven years in my relationship investing pretty much all of my emotional energies into trying to manage my husband's emotional well-being. His insensitive behaviour, rudeness, dismissiveness, and apparent inability to do any of his own emotional regulation or self-care has been a problem since the start. (I even asked a question here about it.) However, I (incorrectly) believed that they were learned behaviors left over from his previous relationship and believed he would adopt a 'normal' mode of interacting once he was shown appropriate caring, support, and patience. Needless to say, it didn't work. I have since learned he has been this way his entire life. His mother confirmed it, as did he. Unfortunately, my investing all my emotional energies into "fixing" him definitely contributed to the steady worsening of my depression, as well as the development of anxiety/panic attacks (things I had never suffered from previously). All of this came to a head with my falling into severe depressive episode last summer that lasted six months. That episode forced me to take a very honest look at my life to make sure I was prioritizing MY emotional health properly, and it led me to making some changes, and honestly I'm better for having gone through it. However, I'm now realizing that both his behaviour, and my having to do so much work to keep him from flying off the handle, have been deeply damaging to me and am now seriously considering ending the marriage for the sake of my own mental health, happiness, and longevity.

In March it all came to a head and I told him that this was a bit of a come to jesus moment in our marriage, because I no longer was willing to be treated this way. I know that he doesn't INTEND to be rude, insulting, hurtful, insensitive, and dismissive, but intent does not negate harm. Despite feeling that I was being overly sensitive and unfair, he agreed to go to couples counselling. We have gone a few times, but there has been no real benefit other than creating more incidents that exemplify the behaviours I am objecting to. Also, since March I have pulled WAY back. I am sleeping in a separate room (in part because of his snoring, but mostly because I feel I need distance). I have found myself very actively avoiding being home (like sitting in my car for an hour listening to an audio book instead of going home). I have become both extremely aware of and extremely intolerant of anything he does that is at all rude or disrespectful or intolerant. I have also been a bit of an asshole, acting a bit like a defiant teenager (ie. staying out all night with friends, leaving my phone on vibrate in my purse so that I don't hear him calling, etc), which I feel shitty about but also sort of.... feel justified? I have been screaming into the wind for seven years that I am unhappy, that things aren't okay, and he has ignored me, and I feel a bit like this is all too little too late. Plus, since I have pulled way back I have had my psychologist, family doctor, and family all comment that I appear to be the most emotionally healthy I have been in years and years, and that the change is marked and great to see.

To his credit, despite my not doing anything to make things easier on him, he has been trying pretty hard to work on things (though with little actual improvement).

Now this week he has finally come to the realization that the depth to which he is unaware/uncaring of other's emotions is not normal, and he now feels he is on the autistic spectrum, or maybe having Aspergers. I entirely agree. However, he feels this new "revelation" means he deserves the opportunity to "fix things", that I owe him that. I however feel that if anything the realization that he is on the spectrum cements the fact that he will probably never be able to treat me with the emotional carefulness and respect that I know I need.

So my question is whether it is likely that someone who is (potentially) on the spectrum or having Aspergers will ever be able to learn to be emotionally sensitive enough to meet the needs of an (albeit quite sensitive) depressive? Am I being an asshole for being so doubtful and being quite hesitant to invest the time into seeing if he can do it?
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