Cried at choir audition, how to cope with shame?

Post date: 2018-04-20 09:02:50
Views: 110
I let a friend talk me into auditioning for the church choir he's in. Part of the audition involved singing a song that you could "sing with all your heart", as well as some scales. I've sung in choirs all my life, but I'm not a solo singer and have never had to sing a prepared song for an audition. I was wary about auditioning but decided to give it a go anyway.

I decided on a song that I know well and can play on the piano and sing in multiple keys if needed. It's just a basic folk song, nothing special (Song for the Mira). It was a song that my high school choir sang during my freshman year that I've always liked.

I was feeling confident and ready to go when approaching the audition, but also a little apathetic, like, I didn't care if I got in or didn't. This is just something I'm doing for fun and it's no biggie if I'm turned away.

My friend had said the audition would be just with the choir director, and no one else. But when I got there, there were three people in the room, three people who were already in the choir and one other guy who was also auditioning. They were all very nice and we had an initial conversation while waiting for the director to show up. They were saying the audition would be painless and quick and it would be no big deal. But for some strange reason I was starting to get more nervous. They kept telling me to "breathe" and "don't be shy." Their intentions were good. But my nerves were growing steadily.

The director came in and he was very good looking and that didn't help my nerves either. :( He gave the other new guy a very warm welcome, like, "it's so nice to meet you", but to me he just said a simple hello. I tried not to make a big deal out of the big difference in greeting and show him what I could do when singing.

I told the other guy who was auditioning that he could go first. To my horror, everyone stayed in the room. I had not counted on or planned for having an audience when auditioning. The other guy did amazingly. He sang a soulful song, from the heart (unfortunately I can't remember the title of the song), and had a big booming, strong, wonderful voice. He said he hadn't sang in years, yet from the way he sang, you'd think he was a professional singer. I was like WOW. His audition was over in snap.

Then it was my turn. All of a sudden I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to sing the Song for the Mira, or any song for that matter. I was not going to be able to sing with soul or from the heart, or what have you. I tried to sing but nothing would come out. Then I (in a stupid shaky voice) mumbled that I was super nervous and that I hadn't been expecting an audience. So the director asked everyone to step out. I felt so bad since they were all so nice and encouraging, but I simply cannot sing in front of people even if they're nice.

Well that should have solved the problem, but it didn't. Not only could I not sing the song I prepared, but I started crying and told the director I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I went to start gathering my things to leave, but he told me to come back and was asking what I was so afraid of, and I couldn't give him an answer, and he started having me sing some simple notes, and then he asked me to sing three notes like "la la la" while he sang harmony against what I was singing, and then he said I could join the group. My voice didn't sound very good. I can only sing when I'm alone or within larger choir, it seems, and once I'm singing solo front of other people I suddenly can't sing and sound breathy and off pitch, my voice simply betrays me.

He was being really nice and I told him I was sorry for breaking down and losing it, and he kept saying I don't need to be sorry and it's all good but I think he only let me in the choir out of pity. I know he thinks I'm a weakling and I made a horrible e first impression that can't be fixed or undone in any way (I mean seriously, if the first time you meet someone, they cry like a baby, wouldn't you think they're the scum of the earth? I will forever be known as "the useless crybaby" in his eyes, subconsciously).

I tried SO HARD to come across as confident, to meditate beforehand, to tell myself that I'd be fine regardless of the outcome of the audition. I had been on a real self-improvement kick, with exercising, not caring what people think of me, going to bed earlier and thinking positively. And then I get there and ALL of that goes out the window. I STILL cry. I STILL care what people think of me. Last night I went to bed at 4am. What's the point of meditation, exercise, positive thinking, etc, when it doesn't work at the moment when you need it to? This means I'm a big FAKE. I THINK I'm doing all this positive stuff but it turns out it's a SHAM. I needed the benefits of meditation during my audition, but all I got were nerves, tears, and made a first impression that is completely unacceptable and irreparable.

I don't know how to undo the extreme shame I am feeling. I can't express in words how much disgust and hatred I have for myself. I hate myself to the core, to my very being. I honestly wish my mom had not given birth to me. I can't stand to even look at myself, knowing that I cried like that. Knowing that despite all the effort and preparation, I still broke down. I still could not keep it together. I don't know how to move past this. There is no way I can actually join the choir, even though they let me in out of sympathy. I can't face the director now, because there's no way to undo that horrible first impression. I don't know how to cope with this shame. I will not be able to leave the house for days after this, I think. It's like, I need to be punished because I cried.
Number of Comments
Please click Here to read the full story.
 
Other Top and Latest Questions:
Movie: The American Society of Magical Negroes
Delicious in Dungeon: Living Armor
Seattle-area Radon mitigation recommendations?
Personal tool tracking library
Gamified SAT Words
Top Chef: Chef's Test
~How~ to search for a seasoned therapist & psychiatrist?
Tickets for Candidates Tournament
Trustworthy way to send PDF as a FAX on a Mac?
Sell all my stuff in NYC?