Navigating guilt of breaking up a good but unfulfilling relationship..

Post date: 2018-01-18 06:21:35

How do I accept myself for making such a decision?

I've ended a three year relationship a few weeks ago. We were happy for the first year and a half but then doubts would always creep in and out of my mind. At first I was accepting of them, seeing them as an opportunity to fix whatever it was that was bothering me. We'd have a conversation, and end on a positive note. But the feeling would always come back. As if I were settling and felt I was no longer growing within the relationship. Too comfortable. Always in a comfort zone. One of my previous asks was about this.

I felt horrible breaking up with her and even more horrible realizing that I was relieved. She did not take it well at all. She was hurt, angry and felt I was deceptive for the past few months. Showing her affection and love that wasn't true. I do love and care about her but I honestly fell out of love. I feel relieved and excited at the idea of finally overcoming something that I had never conquered. Being my true self and discovering more of what I want out of a relationship and life.

But at the cost of this, I have really hurt her feelings. We have talked twice since the breakup. The first conversation was an eye opener. We had talked about things we'd never talk about when we were together. A sure sign that we weren't honestly communicating. She said she felt I had checked out of the relationship. She noticed me not being as affectionate but always reassured her everything was alright. Right now she's keeping her distance and I'm definitely not reaching out to her.

But now that I've been planning to start my life, guilt has been overshadowing everything. I really wish I had ended it sooner. I wish I didn't lead her on for so long. But I felt we honestly tried. I do not wish to get back together with her but whenever I feel excited or happy to move on - it comes back to me and taints the feeling. I was heartbroken and depressed and I feel I've finally got the strength to start moving on.

How do I avoid making myself feel so guilty and ashamed of doing what I felt was inevitable? I know it in my heart that this will be good for both of us, but I feel like I'm abandoning her.
Am I wrong to feel excited and happy to put my life together again so soon after?

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