How do you deal with a Narcissist?

Post date: 2018-01-12 05:29:29
Views: 12
My Father in Law is a Classic Narcississt and I literally cannot deal with him any more. I need some advice on how best to cope, phrases I can employ, ways to calm myself in his presence because I'm losing the battle. I'm biting my tongue at every family event and I'm not sure how long I can hold my tongue! My wonderful husband was raised by a narcissistic man, has 2 narcissistic brothers and all sorts of issues stemming from growing up in this environment. This question has really, really resonated with me.... my husband struggles with a LOT of the issues mentioned in this question and I hadn't connected the dots back to his narcissistic father until I read it.

Over the years I am finding it harder and harder dealing with my Father in Law. No-one has EVER got under my skin the way he does. After several incredibly draining and distressing family events over the last few years, we decided to "re-claim" our Christmas this year and instead of doing the usual Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day with my in-laws, we had a lovely Xmas Eve dinner on our own, spent Xmas Morning with the Narcissist and the people we usually spend it with, and had Xmas Lunch with my Sister in Law instead. We went home that evening and spent Boxing Day alone. (My family is in the UK so we always spend the holidays with my in-laws in Canada)

This is the first Xmas we haven't had Xmas dinner with my Father in Law, and even though we informed the family weeks in advance and the hosts were more than fine without us attending, of COURSE my FIL derailed all of the Xmas conversations with talk of how we are terrible people, who did we think we were, not coming to Christmas???? We are a disgrace to the family etc etc You name it, he said it (this information was passed onto us by people who were at the dinner with him). This is the ONLY major holiday we have ever missed in 10 years by the way. Every other Birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Baby Shower - we are there. And we didn't even "miss" Christmas because we spent the morning with them, giving them their Xmas gifts (and getting nothing in return by the way and NO thanks for the gifts we gave to them)

My husband's family dynamics are incredibly complicated and I can't possibly go into detail about all of the history here, but basically there is a "Golden Child" who also didn't attend Xmas but nothing was said about him at all. The "Golden Child" is an even bigger narcissist that my Father in Law and we have no contact with him. The sister we chose to spend Xmas dinner with is estranged from my FIL and the Golden Child and has no relationship with either of them.

My FIL expects the world from his children but gives nothing in return. He expects a song and dance for his birthday but forgot my husband's birthday this year and doesn't even know what MONTH my birthday is in (I've been here for 10 years). In contrast, my family make an effort to send gifts to my husband from the UK every year, for his bday and for Xmas; my husband feels ashamed of his parents for putting no effort into making me feel a welcome addition to the family, but would never dream of bringing this to their attention. In fact, it took his Dad about 6 years before he really spoke to me with any respect, before that he just kept saying things like "Oh - You're still here are you? I thought for SURE he'd be bored of you by now" Followed by a self-servicing laugh at my expense. I've said to his face before "Just because you laugh at something after you say it, doesn't mean it's funny".

I have managed for years and years and YEARS to just get on with things, primarily because there were SOOOO many great things about the rest of the family. I was very close to my Sister in Law but she passed away from Cancer in 2015. We still have great times with a lot of the other members of the family, but I'm at my wits end with my Father in Law ... I hate him. There I said it. I hate everything about him. I hate how he raised my husband. I hate how we have attended family functions for years and years with no thanks, but the minute we "displease" him he bitches about us to anyone that will listen. I hate that nothing we do will ever be good enough. I hate being around him. I know that these feelings aren't really fair because I don't know how he was raised and what he went through as a kid, but I've watched him demean other people far too many times to be all right in his presence. He doesn't understand that he can make himself feel good without knocking others down. I know he suffers from low self-esteem and insecurities. But it doesn't change the fact he is plain nasty, to mostly everyone else.

I am literally finding it hard to cope. Please help me keep calm when in his presence. Please help me let his sly, manipulative, malicious comments just roll off my back. How can I best deal with a man like this? I will NOT pander to him, I cannot. But I would appreciate ANYTHING that I can employ to help me when I inevitably see him again. Do I deflect? Do I ignore? Are there any great put downs I can attempt? It's not an option to cut him out of our lives completely, it just isn't. We have significantly, significantly reduced our contact with him, but we don't want to punish my mother in law who has been in this abusive relationship for years and is a shell of a person, but is a lovely woman and loves her son. Please help!
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