After several weeks of progressively worsening wheezing and coughing, my sweet 12-year-old black lab was just diagnosed with laryngeal paralysis. He is going to have the surgery to open his airway, but I know he'll still have the underlying disease and this is just a stark reminder he won't be here forever. How do I cope?
For context, 10.5 years ago, a dog I had growing up went into respiratory distress then collapsed and died in front of me. It was horrific and traumatic so watching my current dog, who is absolutely my heart dog and means more to me than I can possibly describe, struggle to breathe not unlike our previous dog has just been horrific. This whole week has just been so hard--we haven't known what's wrong with him and I've been spiraling. I've struggled to eat and sleep knowing that he's unwell. I'm scared of what the future holds for him. I'm terrified that he'll suffer, which is the absolute last thing I would ever want. And I'm pretty sure listening to him wheeze is triggering a full-blown trauma response, which is great.
I just.... I'm pretty sure over the last 10 years I've forgotten how to live without him so imagining a life after him makes me feel like I'm being torn apart. He is such a joy, you guys. He is just pure joy and has been every day of his life. I'm pretty sure my love for him is only compounded by the fact that he is a rescue dog who came with trauma, which means it's been literally years of helping him work through anxiety and fear to turn him into the absolute joy that he is today. He looks at me and I just melt. He has made my life so much better. So many things about the last few years have been so, so hard, but god has he brought me nothing but joy during every second of that, even when he's being naughty and causing trouble (which I secretly love about him, even if it drives me crazy).
I know I cannot change the fact that he is 12 and his life will end. But I'd like to find a way to have more peace with it than I do right now. Finding out that he's sick as taken an immense toll on me these past few days. Right now I'm full of anxiety and it's impacting my function, though I do feel a bit calmer having a diagnosis. I have been telling myself that all we can do is try and give him a happy, peaceful ending to his life, something well deserved after such a rough start. My hope is that the surgery goes smoothly, without any complications, and he can a good couple of years. Even then, however, the disease will progress and the day will come when we have to say goodbye. I'd like to be able to cope with that a little better than I've been coping these past few days, which is not at all.
How did you cope? How can I make this easier for myself? |
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