I quit my previous job a year ago due to burnout/lower pay/dead end and switched to a very different area of my field. I don't know if this is a good fit, so I interviewed for my old position. Not sure what choice to make here.
Back in 2020, I started a state government role to escape my previous state government role with a hostile, racist environment. I was so grateful to be out. I was excited for this role and then boom. Pandemic. Soon after I started, we all had to go remote. As I was learning my new role, we had to create a whole new pandemic program from scratch and I was put in charge of the Apples, something that is very much not my background and not what my job role was. Because we were understaffed, I was doing three roles in one. I took a paycut for this original role because I knew I had to get out and this was stable. My boss left about a year into my role and I had to take on her role while we waited to hire someone! My boss told me that they'd promote me to her role, which they didn't thank god. But they promoted me to a Apples lead for this team. I was miiiiiserable. I was suicidal for the first time in my life and ready to unalive, but thankfully got on meds before that happened!
I knew something had to change, so I started working part time for a group practice as counselor (won't specify as I'm afraid of some clients finding this -- but I'm not a therapist, but work very closely with them.) I really loved it. It felt like it gave me back my energy, even with how hard the work was. A year ago, I quit that state job and decided to give this a chance. I knew it would be a risk (1099 position, independent contractor) but I was able to get on my partner's insurance and told myself I could try it for a couple of years and then maybe open up my own practice or go find another W2 job.
Well...here I am a year later and I'm struggling again. I feel burned out, but for different reasons. I think the lack of stability is getting to me (pay is determined by how many clients I see), along with some issues I have with the ethics of the group practice I work for. One of those being we are 1099s, but we all get treated like employees with employee expectations and no employee benefits. The practice owner always reiterates how much he cares about us and doesn't want us to burnout, but if I say I need to slow down my case load, it's "well...will that be financially viable for the practice?" I have a lot of complex cases right now that *I* am not fully trained for yet too. Talking to my own therapist about it, she was like "Good lord, no wonder you're burned out. You need to take these cases off your load asap."
So, in a stupor I started looking at other jobs. I felt like a failure because I haven't made it to two years yet. I care for my clients and felt like I'm trying to leave them behind.
Then my old (replaced my previous boss) boss at the state said that my job position was opening up. They've changed it a bit, but the title is the same. I asked her if she might know if the pay has changed, and she said likely not. No growth for it either, but she said that I could essentially move up by going to another state department or going out of state or the federal level. I'm not jazzed about that. And for once, I feel like I'm ready for something where I can take more leadership and creativity in my role. This role likely will not give that. It also is not remote, so I will have to stay where I'm at, when our plans were to hopefully move closer to family in a year. (My 1099 position is fully remote.) If I take this role, I will stay here for at least 3 years to get more experience in that role, especially since that would look better for the resume. On the bright side, my old boss said that I won't be working 3 jobs in 1 and would have more support, but that this role would be taking on a lot too, so I should prepare myself.
I am not excited to go back, but I know at this stage of where I'm at, I need some kind of stability. And paid time off would be so key when I need a mental health day. While I technically make more than my previous role post-tax in my 1099 job, the unpredictability of pay unless I overbook myself is wild. I can't seem to rest or take time off because I don't know if next month will be slow. My colleagues tell me that I'll eventually figure out the cycle and take time off, but my brain is just saying "No...I can't do that math right now. Work harder, save money, recession is coming." on repeat.
I believe the job offer for the old job (have already interviewed) might be coming soon (and if not--phew. I guess problem solved) and I'm not sure what to do. Logically, I know I have other options besides old job and stay stressed in current role. But emotionally, it feels like this might be my only way out is to go back to something I know, the devil I have been used to. There was a role at another remote company that I was really excited about, but I haven't heard back yet. It may never come! These two options feel like the most sure bet.
Any advice on what I might need to consider would be helpful. Or even resources/folks to talk to (like a career coach? Haven't seen one before but at this point, I'm ok with someone walking me through this decision.) Thank you x |
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