Help me navigate this slightly tricky friendship-moment

Post date: 2022-06-23 06:34:23
Views: 10
I'm currently in the process of trying to buy a house with my spouse. I mentioned this to my best friend, and he drew a boundary: he can't support me in this, though he's happy to support me in other things in my life and lend an ear on any other subject. How do I navigate this?

My spouse (they/them) and I have been looking to buy for the last year, but have only recently started to ramp up the process because of rising interest rates, etc. So far, so normal. There were some stressors because my spouse can be very pessimistic, so at times I've felt like I was carrying the burden of being the pragmatic one in the relationship.

My best friend and I talk on most days and discuss most things together, and we've supported each other through a great deal over the years. But when I mentioned that my spouse and I were thinking of buying a house he suddenly became quite distant before saying "I'm going to have to draw a boundary here: I can't support you with this, and I need you to not talk to me about it."

I told him that I would, of course, respect that boundary, but I asked if he could help me understand why he felt the need to draw it, to which he replied "I think you're making a mistake, and if I start talking about that with you I'm going to say something I'll regret."

We left it at that, and on the surface at least everything has been largely fine since. I don't think he's thinking about it at all, really, but from time to time I find it starts eating away at me: What did he mean "making a mistake"? Is he saying that buying a house is a mistake? That buying a house with my spouse is a mistake? Have I done something to hurt him somehow that he's not telling me about?

Moreover, I'm now finding myself deflecting his questions from time to time: if I'm stressed because of the house-buying process, then "how's your day going?" has to be responded to with something bland: "oh, you know" or "could be worse" before turning the question back on him. I feel like I'm having to lie to him from time to time.

Ultimately I'll continue to respect his boundary, because he's important to me, and he deserves that respect. But I find myself wondering: what am I not being told? Does he want me to never mention where I live, if we do buy somewhere? If we buy somewhere and move then do I let him know?

How can I navigate this whilst (a) being respectful of his boundaries and (b) not driving myself crazy with these thoughts?

I know the world won't end if I don't talk to my best friend about all this; it's just that my support circle is a little smaller. And that sounds very entitled, now I come to write it.
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