Need help with my ''post'' pandemic attempt at a relationship

Post date: 2022-01-26 09:25:39

It's like my brain can't remember how to do this.

During the pandemic isolation, I was lonely and I saw a therapist who recommended I read the book 'Attached' about attachment styles and relationships. What I took from that book is that having close relationships is a natural desire and that if I want a successful relationship I should be with someone with a 'Secure attachment style'. the therapist seemed to think I want this more badly than I admit to myself as I've been more focused on personal fulfillment with my career, hobbies, friendships and travel, as well as managing a social anxiety disorder. So anyways, I decided to start being more serious about dating so that I can find someone with a secure attachment style (I think my style is anxious, fwiw).

Recently a couple I am friends with set me up with one of the husband's friends. I agreed to give it a try because I'm tired of online dating. And this person is really great, and a special person, but I am struggling with the relationship because I feel a lot of internal and external pressure and I'm not sure how to deal with it. We started going out in November so it has been almost 3 months since we met.

One thing that has been difficult is that the wife of the couple (whom I am close with) is not really subtle about the fact that she is really excited about the prospect of me and her boyfriend's friend being a 'cute couple'. This made me really uncomfortable from the start as it made it hard for me to discern what my own feelings towards him really were.

Another aspect of pressure I'm feeling is that he has told me he never breaks up with anyone, he will always try to make it work because his own parents have been together since their early 20s (ie: like 40 years). This is a positive thing to say, however it also makes me feel like no matter what happens, if the relationship fails then it's automatically my fault and the friendships around us will be told that story.

The thirdly, when he was in his early 20s he got brain cancer and had to have chemo and surgery. Happily, the surgery was successful and he is now in remission. He does have some invisible disabilities related to the surgery, such as short term memory difficulties, getting exhausted from cognitive exertion and needing a lot of rest. But he is in remission (hurray!) and is physically healthy and from what I know is still intellectually and personality-wise the same as he has always been.

The part about this that I am struggling with, though, is the way the cancer has affected his academic trajectory and his career. He obviously had to take time off school and is only now finishing his degree, 10 years after starting it. That's fine with me and obviously I would be a horrible person if I held that against him.

What's vexing me is that he said he doesn't intend to work because his parents gave him a big trust fund. He thinks that working in a day job where he would make less than his investments make him is a waste of the precious time he has left. Now, there's nothing red-flaggy about that, he's clearly good at managing his finances. But as someone who has worked since the age of 16, and paid for my own degree and worked hard to get a career I can be somewhat satisfied with, and who derives a significant (though not excessive) part of my identity from my work, this concept of not working just scrambles my brain... imagine 'DOES NOT COMPUTE' scrolling across my forehead. I also found out he originally wanted to be a doctor, but that didn't work for reasons other than the health issues. He seems to think any career other than that is beneath him.

After processing all of this, I'm left with very little mental energy to focus on the prospect of enjoying a relationship with him. I feel like I'm jumping through mental hoops just to rationalize it. If I could cut out the noise and describe how I actually feel, it's that he's a very kind, intelligent, caring, and conscientious person who is trying very hard to fit in with his peers after a traumatic health scare. I want to support him as anyone would and I feel that ending things with him would make him spiral into a depression. I just can't find any free space in my head to contemplate whether I actually want to be with him or if I'm just doing it because my therapist and my friends told me to!! Sometimes I feel like because I am financially independent and enjoy living alone, I have too much freedom and don't know how to make decisions to make myself happy. Any tips would be helpful!

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