My dad sexually harrassed me a year ago. How do I cope?

Post date: 2021-05-08 19:41:50

This is probably beyond ask metafilter's paygrade but I need help. I cannot afford therapy and honestly it's more important for me to save up money so that I never end up being dependent on my parents again.

I grew up in a very strict, conservative and religious household. The kind where you do not leave until you get married. I was constantly monitored well into my twenties and they would expect me to come home as soon as I finished with college classes. They were abusive growing up as well and those are some of the many scars I have to deal with I guess. I'm really sorry about the erratic writing. I just have to get it all out. For reference, I'm currently in my mid/late twenties.

About a year ago, my dad comes into my room to ask me for help with something. I open the door and he tells me that he feels like he is in pain. He shows me his bulge underneath his clothes. I don't know how to react and at first I didn't really believe what I was seeing. A few years previous to this, I did notice him looking at me strangely and doing the elevator eyes to me once. Back then I wrote it off as nothing.

Immediately I think of a way to move out of home. I start getting boxes and slowly getting things from my room. I basically run out the house once they start to notice something wrong. I move into an apartment in the same city.

That was a year ago. My mom doesn't know about the harassment. My siblings don't know (although I have hinted at it.) I don't want my mom to ever find out, it would destroy her as she is mentally not in a good place. I don't know how to talk about it.

If this isn't infuriating enough, my dad still tells me that I better not marry anyone that he doesn't approve of. My parents tell me that my extended family better not find out about me moving out (it's so taboo and everyone will think I'm a whore) and they do not want me to tell anyone.

My mom is a little needy and she still wants me to come home every week or so. She really hates that I'm not married yet and tries to guilt trip me all the time. My parents are still slightly dependent on my siblings and I as they aren't really tech savvy.

I have to be very cautious of what I wear at home. It's all very loose and I only wear shawls. When I have forgotten my shawl, I've noticed my dad come by and try to get a closer look. He stares and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know why he doesn't stop. I just want him to stop. I hate him so much for all the shit that he's made me go through. I do not want to be around him ever again but I don't know how to explain that to my mom.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate everything right now. I hate what my life turned into and it feels like a joke.

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