yoga makes me homicidal. what else helps flexibility & balance?

Post date: 2021-04-08 04:19:51

My doctor told me I'd better figure out a yoga practice, or I'll be sorry in just a few years. I think she means I need something for flexibility and balance, and I agree, 100%. But skinny ladies telling me to hold uncomfortable poses, and think calm thoughts and visualize or whatever, drive me into a hulk-smash rage. What else can I try?

My ideal thing would be:

*between 15-25 minute long chunks
*video (DVD or streaming, whatever) - this helps me commit to the length of the thing and to understand the pose
*NO TALKING DOWN TO ME IN YOGA LADY TONE. Goddamn.
*focus on flexibility and balance.
*NO TELLING ME what my mental state needs to be, and no idiot interjections about "whatever that means to you" or the like ("yoga with Adrienne", I'm talking to you!) Reminders about breathing are just barely tolerable, I understand those can be necessary.
*focus on gentle stretches because I am fat, inflexible and terribly prone to injury.

I'd rather pay money than be subjected to ads.

Can anyone recommend something?

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