So I Threw My Phone in Anger. Now What?

Post date: 2021-04-08 06:43:44
Views: 94
(This post mentions Covid but is not about Covid.) Today, during a stressful phone conversation, I threw my phone in anger and broke it. Nobody was present, I did not harm anyone, and I do not plan to harm anyone. Please suggest ways I can cope with the aftermath of this situation. The direct issues have been resolved, so I am seeking advice for longer-term coping strategies and insight about my mental state.

I was on my phone telling my dad the details of my upcoming Covid vaccine appointment, because he had agreed to drive me there. My mom, who will not be going with us, expressed unhappiness about an aspect of the appointment (not an ethical or Covid risk concern), and she initially wanted me to cancel it. Because of my existing dynamic with my mom, her reaction made me feel triggered and extremely ashamed and angry. Twice, I threw my phone in anger, breaking the screen and causing further, serious damage (it is functionally unusable and may need to be replaced). I broke down because I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame for my decision to book that particular appointment, feeling I had been criticized and rejected. I felt like I can't do anything right, and can't trust my decision-making because I might unexpectedly find out another person doesn't like it.

I have thrown my phone in anger a few times before, but previously caused no damage. I have CPTSD and sometimes experience extreme anger, and every once in a while I express my anger by lashing out at physical items. This increases my stress and makes me feel guilty, but even though I am making conscious decisions, I feel unable to talk myself down from fight mode.

I have resolved the immediate situation regarding my phone (final outcome TBD after my Apple Store appointment tomorrow). I have resolved the situation with my parents, apologized (they remained on the call throughout the incident), and treated them with respect and kindness. I am pleased with how my parents responded. The drive to and from the vaccine appointment is a nonissue. I qualify for the vaccine at this time and it was fine for me to book the appointment that I did. I am not concerned about escalating violence, repeat incidents, or anything else catastrophic; this is not an emergency situation.

I am asking for your advice in how to cope with this incident.
-I don't want to associate bad memories with what is commonly seen as a happy and exciting event (getting vaccinated).
-I don't like to be seen as so weak and vulnerable, even though my parents can handle it and our relationships are intact.
-I'm concerned about what this might indicate about my mental health. I believe I am suffering from symptoms of depression. I have anxiety, which is probably severe. I have CPTSD from childhood experiences in which I was victimized. I have severe, untreated ADHD, and there is every indication that I suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria. I am experiencing a manageable level of life stress. I stayed up very late last night and did not sleep well. I am not taking any medication.
-I felt triggered because my mom has spoken to me in similar ways in the past. I react severely to situations in which I feel guilt and shame, especially when I can't say that the other person was completely wrong (or wrong at all) to say or do what they did. The unexpected transition from feeling happy and excited to feeling worthless and awful is another common source of hurt. This has happened to me throughout my life, with a variety of people, and I commonly react poorly. I experience these occurrences as traumatic and can take many years to recover or to feel neutral about them. Memories come into my head daily at the slightest provocation (or for no discernible reason), causing me to feel deeply ashamed and angry. More serious traumas have shown me that I cannot trust people, leaving me to wonder "What will it be next time?" knowing I will inevitably be blindsided by a possibly-ambiguous conflict, whether it involves a stranger or a person close to me.

I can access limited free counseling through my college. I do not have health insurance (I will attempt to enroll soon), and I cannot afford any expensive treatment. In a few months, I plan to enter a situation where insurance is required, and there is a plan I can sign up for if I have not secured one by then. I enjoy reading self-help books. I do workouts and a little yoga at home, and have access to local parks and trails. I do not have a social life. I am in the US, live with a partner, and do not live with my parents. Although they have hurt me in the past, I have strong relationships with my parents that I will continue to maintain.

In summary: please let me know some coping methods or ways I can start to process and feel better about this.
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