Every month, my team at work has our all-team meeting (we all work remotely). At the start of the meeting, we do a "Red, Yellow, Green" status where everyone says how they're feeling coming into the meeting (e,g. "red" means you're not feeling great, and "green" means you're swell). After you give your update, you pick someone else. For the past FIVE meetings, I've been picked last. It feels like being the last one picked for a sports team in the schoolyard.
This wasn't happening last year or in previous years; only the past 5 months, consistently. Interestingly, before I became the new "last place" person, two other people tended to always be picked last. I'm not sure if they noticed or cared, but I always picked them because I did notice. And guess what? Neither of them are on the team any more. One rotated to a different team; the other is no longer employed at the company. I'm not sure if that's just a coincidence or if it means bad news for me? :(
Maybe I'm reading far too much into this, but I don't know how to make it stop bothering me. I always feel so worthless and wonder if this is a secret sign that they don't want me on the team, subconciously. It's not because I'm new -- I've been with this company for nearly a decade and on this particular team for 8 years. New people get picked before me, right away, because they're more outgoing and fit in easiy, with no problems. I feel that the problem is due to a fundamental flaw that I have (or many flaws). The possibilities I've outlined are:
1. My quiet, introverted personality (but most of us ARE introverts on this team, so I don't get it)
2. The fact that I'm the only black person on the team (the only way to test this is if we were to hire another black person)
3. The fact that I don't interact with others on the team as much, since the nature of my role involves less collaboration than other roles
4. The way I look (I'm not a classically attractive woman in general, I've thought about changing my style to see if that has any effect)
5. I'm not witty and the hobbies/music/movies/books I'm interested in are not interesting/good enough
6. I'm not very good at my job. And not good at anything, really. I'm a beginner/amateur at my hobbies, while my colleagues all have very interesting hobbies that they're actually good at.
7. My life is boring. Litterally, boring. No kids or partner, and I do nothing exciting that people actually want to hear about.
8. I'm one of only 4 women on the team. The guys NEVER pick me.
The interesting thing is that everyone on my team is very nice when I talk with them one-on-one. I don't see any signs that they hate me. Racism and sexism are never tolerated at the company and no one on my team has been racist or sexist. They're all really great people and I'm super lucky to be working with them. I just feel like they don't like me. I don't understand why I am always picked last. I don't mind being last some of the time, but when it's ALL of the time, it bothers me. It makes me feel less than. Invisible, unseen, worthless. It means no one thought of me, no one picked me. It ruins me and takes me weeks to get over. Only to have to face it again the next month.
Tomorrow morning is our March meeting, and I'm sitting here, stomach in knots, anticipating that once again, I'll be picked last and shown exactly how people think of me (they don't think of or see me at all). It's a reminder of how fundamentally flawed I am. If I had a more outgoing personality, different looks, different skin color, a more interesting life, more skilled, different everything, maybe I'd get picked.
I never understand why people say "you do you". When I "do me", I get rejected and left out of things.
I feel really petty and childish worrying about this. There's no one I can talk to about it at work. They would all think I'm being a baby. And maybe I am. :( I put on a happy face and no one knows how ripped up inside I am about it. I look like a happy-go-lucky person, but I am anything but. I've tried self-therapy, but it still hurts and I can't turn off the part of me that feels so fundamentally flawed. And then I can get no work done. I need to feel like people want me on the team in order to be fully motivated.
How do I stop worrying about this?! Any help is appreciated. Thank you! |
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