Back off!

Post date: 2021-01-18 10:29:15
Views: 99
FIL is giving his bereaved nephew a hard time with his anxiety...any advice for my husband?

My husband's cousin, Jack, lived with his mother his whole life. She recently died when he was 52 (yeah, their relationship is another story...). Jack and my husband are close, they phone every other day.

Recently, Jack started complaining that after the death his uncle, (my father in law, the brother of the deceased), has begun calling him every day to give him advice. He treats him as incapable of survival. FIL is a fixer-of-problems by nature, also generous - it's his love language. But this is excessive. He calls him about which vitamins he should be taking. About installing a security lock on his door now that he lives alone. About eating right. That he needs to install a new kitchen. How to not live above his means. About every freaking thing. Jack is completely capable of taking care of his own shit and has managed all the paperwork after his mother's death extremely well.

Jack has patience and has always been treated as incapable by his own mother, so it took some time for him to draw a boundary. He's an avoidant guy. But now he has stopped returning FIL's calls (good for him).

FIL has started blowing up my husband's phone instead, freaking out with worry about this. He's all alone! What if he catches COVID? What if he spends his money unwisely? Why is he not returning calls? SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG.

My husband managed to get through to him that Jack needs some peace and quiet to grieve and that we can all trust Jack to not do anything stupid and maybe just lay off for a while and let Jack call when he's ready to call. FIL agreed and said he felt better for the conversation. ("But he could have just told me he wanted me to back off!" Er, no, that would not have gone well.)

The very next day FIL calls us again: "But what if he spends all his money on stupid stuff?? You need to warn him when you talk to him! Or do you think I should call him??"

My husband doesn't know what to do. His father seems to understand but gets so extremely anxious? It's unusual behaviour, even for him. My husband is getting really annoyed because FIL treats Jack like an idiot. I suspect FIL is full of anxiety about COVID, plus his sister died, so maybe he's fixating on this to exert some control over something?

Anyway, asking for my husband, what is the best, kindest to everyone way to react when FIL obsesses about Jack? Should he just repeat what he's been saying so far? Should he get more direct?

FIL is really bad about recognising and talking about feelings, particularly his own feelings, and also bad at abstracting.
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