I had a tumultuous relationship for several years with someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive, and in which I was dishonest and cheated. It's over and I'm glad, but I still can't stop thinking about it.
Some background information:
Initially, we dated and then were friends for a year and a half. Since almost the beginning I was afraid of her anger, verbal abuse, and manipulation. After much dishonesty on my part regarding what I was doing with another person, we eventually had a huge falling out and didn't speak for a year. In the two years since the falling out, we hung out for a summer until I lied again and she ghosted me, and met once more after that, at my request, for an ambiguous maybe closure/maybe carrying-on talk.
It has now been 7 months since our last contact. As of our last meeting, she continued to lash out and behave in manipulative ways, which she saw as acceptable and justified because she's still hurt by my past actions. We talked about continuing to hang out as friends and she said effectively that I would have to accept whatever anger and verbal abuse she had towards me until she got it out of her system because I deserve it. This time I was able to say no. I'm starting to accept that she isn't willing to change her abusive behavior, and that I'm still afraid of her and act in shady ways as a result.
Since then, there have been brief periods of time when I haven't thought about her, but she's still very often on my mind, usually every day. I've made some serious progress letting this relationship go, but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm still hurting deeply. I'm not sure if it's the unresolvable nature of it or the fact that I can't fix my mistakes or just can't make this thing work even though we would both prefer it. It's also difficult that I have learned a lot from the mistakes I made with her and have been a much better friend and partner to others since, but can't redeem myself in this relationship.
This whole situation has been a big downer, but social media has contributed a lot. For a while I blocked her profiles so that I wouldn't look at them, but I got curious and reversed it, even though I know I feel worse every time I see something of hers. It feels like a kind of addiction, both checking on her and sometimes missing the rollercoaster abusive highs and lows. Recently I started a counter of how many days I've avoided looking at anything of hers online, which is going well but is incredibly hard and doesn't feel that satisfying.
Looking for advice and any kind words you have to offer. How do I get past this and move on? |
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