As a kid I was diagnosed with OCD and Asperger's (no longer a valid diagnosis; now folded into Autism Spectrum Disorder). Last year I was evaluated against my will for a personality disorder, under false pretenses and in my second language after which I was given a diagnosis of "mixed personality disorder with borderline and closet narcissistic features". Quarantine terminally interrupted both my work and the public service therapy I was being given. During the hiatus, I was dropped by the public service because they were uninterested in treating me in my first language. What do I do?
I don't have a lot of social relations, especially ones close enough to discuss any of this with. Essentially, I am alone in life. Can ASD, OCD, BPD and NPD all co-occur? How can I be so riddled with psychological problems? I read some academic literature on closet narcissism, and it pretty closely describes a lot of whatever is wrong with me that doesn't already fall under ASD/OCD. That said, I'm not sure if I lack empathy entirely, I don't believe I'm abusive, and I certainly don't want to be abusive. I'm very confused as to how to make sense of all this. The professionals who evaluated me gave me no further guidance, other than this useless diagnosis I didn't ask for, scrawled on a piece of paper in my second language. I was blind-sided, because the institution did not tell me they were testing me for a personality disorder, did not provide the hundreds of questions across several panels in my only fluent language, and placed such pressure on me to fill them over a short period that I had a meltdown in the parking lot.
Outside of academic literature, NPD seems to be universally seen as roughly synonymous with evil. There's this sad irony to the fact that I originally went in, asking for help because my OCD obsessions have gotten to the point where I feel suicidal, only to be provided an even better (and objectively valid, given that I'd be doing my part to erase dangerous genetic traits from the gene pool) reason for suicide. I already furiously and obsessively hate myself for being stupid, ugly; inferior, etc. Though, in an apparent expression of NPD, I regularly resent and envy others for being objectively better than me, I do not fault them for that, because it is my inherent failure from birth (seeing as so much of one's value and potential are the product of genetic bounty). I have fewer friends each proceeding year (almost none where I live; those that remain live elsewhere and the correspondence is sparing). I struggle to find and maintain interpersonal relationships ("find" being the hardest part, since it is difficult for me to approach people with confidence, and put on an appealing presentation) of any kind (especially sexual or romantic).
Can any of this ever change? Can this overwhelming clusterfuck of psychiatric maladies be managed? The literature I've seen says that treating NPD is ineffective. All the layman's material says much of the same, in harsher terms. CBT, in my past experience, didn't really help much with OCD. Medication just dampened my sexual appetite and increased suicidal thinking, without so much as putting a dent in the compulsions, even at 200mg of Sertraline (the recommended ceiling, I believe). Previous conversations with the professionals who I was in contact with established that I can only receive one treatment regime (DBT, CBT, etc.) through the public system at a time. In the absence of employment and given that I've been dropped(more specifically, perma-waitlisted after being transferred to an overcrowded hospital significantly further away), where am I supposed to find hope? |
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