Definition of Love - do I accept it or try to talk it out?

Post date: 2020-03-27 06:32:47
Views: 137
We differ on what love is. He says he does not love me. I say feeling butterflies is not love instead I say its a combination of attraction, interest in one another, compatibility, making shared memories, trust, respect, and commitment. I think we have those, although commitment is a bit in doubt (see explanation below). I feel frustrated that a good relationship has been thrown away due to semantics. Should I just accept that it's over or should I try to talk to him when things have cooled down?

Background
My now ex-boyfriend (early 40's) and I (late 30's) had been together for just over a year and a half after meeting on Bumble. We had had a healthy relationship and have not had any problems. We have taken many holidays together and see each other approx. once a week (we live 1 hour apart) mostly with one- or two-night stays. We regularly text and phone. We were always affectionate and cuddly, have the same values and interests and always have something t talk about. He was always buying me presents and flowers and the sex was great. I had a kidney transplant 2 years ago and he has been nothing but supportive about this since the beginning of our time together.

About 9 months into the relationship he said he wanted to move in with me and started looking for jobs in my city. He was not successful and the topic went quiet. Due to a takeover at his current company he did not want to move for a while, as there was a chance of redundancy money, which I understood and accepted.

We had our only major argument in January this year. It was over something trivial that blew up out of proportion. We talked seriously after this and he was clear that still wanted to live together, but not in my city but his. This was Ok with me as property is cheaper, despite having many of the amenities of where I am. I work from home so moving would be simpler. He also said he could see us getting married one day. We reconciled. We agreed that we would talk seriously in 2 months' time just to check that we were still OK with everything.

He visited my Mum at my childhood home for the first time last month (which he did with no hesitation) and I introduced him to my best friend from school and her family who still live in the area.

I had noticed that 2 months we had agreed on had come and gone and there was no discussion. I then asked for us to have a chat. He suggested that we talk the evening he was planning to visit anyway before we went on a day trip. So no alarm bells sounded. We had made plans for the next few months – like a holiday in May so I thought everything was OK.

In the interim extreme measures related to COVID-19 were announced by the government. As a transplant recipient, I am now not advised to go out of the house for 12 weeks from the start of this week. I have been extremely anxious about the pandemic and I have been very tearful since the announcement. Also, our day trip was canceled. He came anyway bearing lots of self-isolation supplies and he stayed the weekend. He was very cuddly and jolly throughout the weekend, we had sex, and he comforted me when I shared my fears about the pandemic say we would get through it together.

I initiated a conversation about the future how we were going to get through the next few months without seeing each other. This has been a bit worry to me. He said straight off that he did not love me and that he did not see a future with me and it was over. He rattled off a load of things that he thought I would want when we moved in together - like a big mortgage, and that I would not have any friends if I moved to be with him. Things we have not talked about and he is wrong about – I do not want to have a big mortgage and I (unlike him) have moved quite a bit and, do not need loads of friends and can make new friends. I guess these were excuses. He also says he does not want to get hurt – he lived with a girlfriend before and it did not work out.

I asked him what love is because I honestly think that love is what we have/had. He says it's butterflies in your stomach and thinking about the other person all the time. He says he does not have that with me although there was a spark for the first year or so. He says that when he is in love he buys more presents and is more affectionate (I don't see how this is possible). I told him his definition of love is quite immature. I think it's a combination of attraction, interest in one another, compatibility, making shared memories, trust, respect, and commitment and I honestly thought we had that. He is adamant that he does not love me and there is no future. He says he has been thinking about it for the past couple of weeks. His plan, however, if I had not asked directly, was to carry on until after the pandemic and then tell me.
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