grief in these strange times

Post date: 2020-03-25 06:35:37

CW: suicide

My mom committed suicide last Wednesday. I found out over the phone. She had been diagnosed with BPD and we had a difficult relationship. Much of my adult life has been spent figuring out how to love her, and at the same time figure out healthier patterns for myself. I'm struggling with the idea that if I'd been a better daughter, she'd still be alive.

I'm struggling with seeing everyone grieving their social lives and their favorite restaurants and normalcy, while I'm grieving an actual human life. I'm struggling to watch the complacency and cruelty of young people who are ignoring social distancing and don't seem to care if people my mom's age live or die.

I can't do any normal things to grieve. My friends can't come over and give me a hug or share a cup of tea. We can't have a funeral.

My dad is 58. He travelled from another province to stay with me (by plane). Now he has a cough, and I'm terrified he's going to die too.

I found out yesterday I'm going to be laid off because the hospital unit I work on is being turned into COVID beds.

I have pain in my chest and I don't know if it's COVID or anxiety. It started after the phonecall where I found out that the police found my mom's body, so I'm inclined to think the latter. How do I get through this time?

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