We had a falling out and I haven't had a peep from him since. I think it's over. When he does contact me, what should I say?
I've been with this guy for two years. While the sex is the best either of us has ever had and we have a beautifully tender horizontal relationship, vertically it's quite different. He doesn't volunteer that he loves me and it seems like it's hard for him to say it back to me when I do, so I say it a lot less than I would naturally. He often gets moody and irritated by something I say and is generally quite judgmental and I have to watch myself. His family has confirmed he treats them similarly. He rarely smiles. When I come to his house he waits for me to walk up to him to kiss him, never the other way around. When he's upset over something unrelated he occasionally takes it out on me and then we don't speak for a few days. Typically I reach out to him and we make up.
He wasn't always like this at all. We had a wonderful, passionate love almost at first sight. We'd have deep belly laughs, I'd sing while he played the uke, we'd read to each other and watch art films, dance in his living room, have picnics by the lake after work, cook, make plans to start a fashion line together, go to the nude beach in summer, vacation in Europe, dress alike, sit close together in restaurants and share an entree because we are small people. We share the same political outlook and feel passionately about social justice.
Over time I noticed he'd take the moral high ground on various topics we discuss and would criticize me with this attitude of intellectual superiority ("You'd use psychiatric terminology correctly if you read books rather than online articles.").
I am 6 years older and at the peak of my career. He is still trying to make it. He lives with a roommate and drives a tiny car, while I have a million-dollar house with a view and a fancy sports car. I am divorced and have two teens, he's never been married and has no kids. He disagrees with how I'm raising them and when they are bored and fidgety at a restaurant or use their phones, he lets me know he disapproves. He had made a few attempts to connect with them but they clearly irritated him and he gave up and came to my house only rarely. I would almost always go to his, and spend the night on the weekends while my mom watched the kids (she lives with us).
I think he began to noticeably limit his affections about nine months into it when we had a big argument and he admitted he wasn't a family man. I told him we should call it quits, but we both missed each other and got back together after a week.
About three weeks ago, we were talking about climate change and I said the state would need to impose austerity measures because I didn't think people would voluntarily live responsibly. It simply isn't as comfortable as how we live today. He said "You're so bougie. It's gross." I cried, as I do when I am hurt. (He typically calls me dramatic when I cry and doesn't get why I do.) He gave me a non-apology ("Sorry you feel this way") and we each went home. The next day, a Friday, he apologized properly by text and said he'd been upset about work and had taken it out on me. He asked if I had plans and that he'd like to see me at some point. I said I had no plans and agreed to meet. Then the whole weekend passed and he hadn't gotten back to me. Late on Sunday he wrote to say he'd fallen asleep as we were texting.
For once I hadn't missed him intensely, I hadn't felt deep sadness over a weekend lost (weekends are our only times together), I hadn't cried. I kept busy and this had been one too many of his tantrums. So when I heard back from him on Sunday, I was kind of indifferent. And I had a revelation: I was indifferent because I didn't care. There was no drama this time because I didn't care. And there is never any drama from him because he doesn't care. Hasn't cared in a long long time.
Writing this all down, it seems obvious I should move on. I am mulling over in my head how to talk to him when he does contact me. In my heart of hearts, I wish this time apart would give him the opportunity to realize he does love me and should commit to me fully, not in this half-hearted way he's been for so long. But it shouldn't have to take three weeks. So the more likely scenario is that it is in fact over.
How can I take control of the narrative? |
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