This is long, so just jump to the extended explanation if you've got a warm cup of tea in hand and some time. TLDR: new relationship after disastrous end to old relationship, pouring anxiety into age gap, that's a red herring, tell me what my brain is doing (and why?)?
Someone talk me through this. It's long, but I want to give some context.
I'm a woman in my late 30s. Recently finished a very intensive professional/graduate program (all told, took about a decade). Was in a very serious relationship for about 4 years. That ended disastrously Christmas of 2018 (a few months before I got out of training)--we lived together, had plans for the future, and he dumped me over the phone, disinvited me from Christmas with his family, and then never moved back into the apartment we had shared for almost two years and refused to talk about why he left. We had also been together during the unexpected and tragic death of one of my siblings, and he saw me through that. It was a very hard relationship for me to let go of, and upon reflection a year later, I see there was tremendous love but also a lot of unhealthy dynamics. I was extra-pathetic for a while after the breakup, told my ex repeatedly I wanted him back, he told me no and that I was embarrassing myself. (Then also did that stringing along thing for several months too of reaching out to see how I was, but with no real intent of anything. Just to get the attention I guess.) So I got on with it. Single for the first time in over 20 years. Got into therapy 2x week; got into great shape; secured an excellent job that I started two months after I got out of training; moved to a great albeit expensive city. Am making money for the first time in my life. Bought my first non-shitty couch! And my first bed frame! I also did not date for almost a year after the breakup because I needed to face the terror of being single (terrifying, also not that bad, also super sucks). (And a year later, ex came crawling back saying that leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life, he would always regret it, didn't realize what he had, and could we try again. Said he could give me marriage, kids, the whole thing. I said no, but not with any kind of satisfaction. Just a lot more sadness for how he had destroyed so much. I asked him to not contact me again because it was too emotionally fraught for me, and he has so far respected that.)
My question (finally!): About 10 months after the breakup, I started seeing someone I thought would be a fling, but actually turned into something wonderful. I had already secured a job a couple hours away but we decided to try things long distance after dating for 2-3 months in the same town (we see each other 2-3x/month, sometimes more, are in contact all the time). And he's ... lovely. Like truly lovely. And I am dating for the first time in my life with eyes wide open.
But! He's 8.5 years younger than I am. He's a grownup. He's in the same stage of life. He wants marriage, kids eventually. He can talk about these things. He has introduced me to his father; just invited me to a weekend to meet his mom. Excited to introduce me to his best friends. But I get stuck on the age thing and want to tell him to RUN and I don't know why. I feel like there is this insurmountable age difference, and one day he'll be 40 and I'll be 48 ALMOST 50 and he will be like, WHAT AM I DOING??? And then that will happen every single decade. It's so crazily fucking irrational.
We have talked about fertility WAY more than you should ever do early in a relationship b/c I'm in the process of freezing my eggs. Those convos sucked and I stumbled a lot throughout them, but also were important and he could emotionally meet me there. (Everything in my timeline has been later due to my career switch, so kids will be later too. And I'm very informed and prepared for assisted reproduction in its many variations (as informed and prepared as you can be without having done it, but it's also part of my line of work)). I have made clear: if we had kids together, it may not be as easy as sex, pregnant, baby. It might be expensive and emotional and blah blah blah. Do you get that? And he does. He says he does, and so I have to trust that.
But I don't. I feel like this big trick is being played on me and he's going to cut and run, and I am just being an idiot like I was last time. And I can't really figure out why. (Though as I write this all out, I see that a lot of my anxiety and mistrust with new guy comes from how unexpected and traumatic ending of last relationship was.) Other perspectives on why I can't just accept this and be happy? Literally I would not think twice about this age gap with any friend, family member, colleague, etc. But I am a complete asshole to myself about it. And I REALLY do not want to destroy this budding great relationship with a great person because of untrue shit my mind is saying to me. (My mind also says to me, why not just try to get back with your ex and then your life will be figured out! And I KNOW that is bad advice, so I do my best to ignore it. But it's there.)
Final paranthetical aside: (I have mainly put the fertility conversation to the side b/c I want this relationship to develop OUTSIDE of any pressure cooker. Yeah, I'm in my late 30s and want kids. But I'm also looking for a relationship with a human being, not a sperm donor. And if I end up deciding to be a single mom in a few years, so be it. I am lucky enough to be able to afford that financially at least.)
Any and all wisdom is so appreciated. |
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