How to co-parent with live-in ex?

Post date: 2019-11-17 22:44:37
Views: 158
My ex and I split up for good in April, after 18 years together. The last few years were rocky, but we both gave it our best. We have a 14 year old, who we are staying together to co-parent. I am dating, ex is not. Initially I said I would support my ex and we could live together until our child leaves home, but I've found the situation harder to manage than I had anticipated.

The reason I initially agreed to live together and co-parent our child is so that our child wouldn't have to experience their parents splitting up, and because my ex had been unemployed for the better part of a decade. Ex is now in work, although it is partly seasonal. We have a big enough chunk of savings that ex could live on for maybe a year if they moved out on their own.

We don't fight, but my ex still pines for me, and I know the situation is difficult for them. They suffer from anxiety and depression, and while I do not, I'm strongly affected by their emotions. Initially they said some accusatory and insensitive things about me after the breakup, and leaned a bit too heavily on our child for emotional support. They appear to have gotten this under control, but they are still sulky and anxious. I drink, not heavily, but daily, in part to avoid the pain of this person's unhappiness.

I did say eventually that I thought this was all too much, and that I wanted my ex to move out. My ex said they feel like part of a family in this house, and that's helping them emotionally. I felt bad for going back on my offer to live together. My ex is good person, and they are usually very good with our child. Our child feels supported and loved by both of us. We are still legally married for visa purposes, although my ex can apply for citizenship and I will encourage them to do so to be less dependent on me.

My ex does not sulk constantly, but I don't always know when it will happen and it affects me a lot. I wish I could insulate myself from them, emotionally, but I've been unsuccessful so far. When my current partner comes over, my ex has sat, staring at us wordlessly. When we moved to another room, ex followed us there, staring at us wordlessly. I didn't even argue with them about their behavior because after 18 years of trying to make things work, I know that they are unlikely to change. My current partner is delightful and kind and understanding, but even they referred to my ex as an "energy vampire" and it seemed appropriate.

I know I can't continue with this until my child leaves home. I'm thinking of waiting until they turn 15 next autumn to ask my partner to move out, but every day is a struggle. Child also has anxiety issues which I don't want to exacerbate, but I think it may be easier for me to manage these when my ex isn't around. I think about how much I resent supporting them and cleaning up after them. But I told our child that we would live together until they went to university, and I feel badly going back on that.

I'm not sure what to do now. I would appreciate tips for either making this go more easily, letting someone else's pain just be theirs and not to take it on myself, as well as suggestions for a timeline of separation. People who have made live-in co-parenting work, is this something that can resolve itself over time or is it likely to stay like this forever?
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