Should I tell my ex what his problem is?

Post date: 2019-11-10 09:44:11

Had an ultimately unsatisfying pseudo-relationship with someone who I now realise fits all the criteria for an Avoidant relationship style. I know he wants to have a loving relationship, and is flummoxed as to why this keeps happening. Do I break my no contact and share what I've learnt from reading about attachment styles, in a non accusatory and hopefully helpful way? He is a good person and I don't want him to be alone forever, which he is convinced he will be, and honestly so am I.

Ex is a good person (well, actually askmetafilter wouldn't agree from the questions I asked when we were together, so maybe that's not true), Anyway, he ticks almost every box of the avoidant attachment style. I know it secretly really worries and bothers him - he said he 'has something wrong with his brain', 'is deficient', and 'cannot love' when we were breaking up. He's been unable to sustain a relationship of any length and is 31 years old. I came closest - and it wasn't that close.

I don't want to be inappropriate, or hurt or insult him, or to get caught in any anxious / avoidant dynamics (ie me trying to fix him, for my own emotional satisfaction). I did say during our relationship that I felt he should see a therapist to deal with what he called his 'emotional unavailability', and he seemed to find that insulting (even though I see a therapist myself!). I also subtly asked him whether he had heard of attachment styles and avoidant personalities and he said no, so I know this is something he has not looked into and I feel like he may be able to work on it if he knows what it is. I didn't mention it at the time as I was just getting to know him and wasn't sure / didn't want to create awkwardness (lesson learnt: now I totally would, these things don't go away!).

He reached out to me today to say hi and see how I am, and I told him it was nice to hear from him but that I thought we should leave it for a while longer before trying to be friends (like 6 months - it's only been six weeks since we broke up). But I hate the idea that he's starting to miss me and do the classic avoidant thing of starting to see me now as the 'one that got away' - I just have a strong feeling this will happen.

Would it be wrong to send a brief message saying that I don't want to step over any lines, and apologies if it seems inappropriate but I've been reading about attachment styles and I think the avoidant one would explain some of the things he struggles with and wondered if it was helpful to share so he can read about it and tackle it if he so wishes? I was going to recommend Attached and also an online quiz where he can do a test.

I realise this may well be my preoccupied / anxious tendancies / need to rescue coming out here, but I am also completely honest about saying I don't think we should be in touch and I'm definitely not doing this so he can be better for me - that ship has truly sailed. I just don't want him to be alone forever, and if I know what might be the issue, wouldn't it be wrong to just keep quiet about it?

For the record, I'm doing okay with the breakup. i miss him sometimes, but because it was such a distant relationship I don't really feel like I'm missing much tbh. I am kind of annoyed I stayed so long (10 months), but the relationship ticked a few of my boxes at that time in my life (don't think I was ready for intimacy as had had a very difficult breakup and my dad's death). I don't even really want to continue the conversation with him in any way given I told him it wasn't a good idea, but it just struck me maybe it would be the nicest thing to do in the long run. I will not continue the dialogue - it was just going to be a 'PS'.

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