How can I channel and release constant feelings of anger and hurt?

Post date: 2019-06-16 22:49:48

I feel doomed to be an angry, bitter person for the rest of my life – and I don't want that. I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not the only one who struggles with issues with expressing anger, and any tips for channeling and releasing this feeling would be so helpful.

I feel that I've been stomped on and steamrolled by so many people in my past. Multiple abusive relationships. Horrible "friends". Sometimes it's strangers I meet when dating or just existing in the world. I feel so beat down and worn out, but mostly sad, lonely and angry. I have no friends. I lock myself up in my apartment every day and have essentially stopped socializing entirely because I'm afraid and fully expect meeting another emotionally abusive asshole or someone who will treat me like crap and try to take advantage of me... and I won't have the capability to fight back, to articulate my anger effectively, and to not allow them to treat me that way. Why should I expect any different if this has been my truth so far?

I spend my days just being so angry at the person I was. At the way I just let these people shit on me and couldn't fight back. Angry at them for not valuing me and for treating me that way in the first place. During fights with the most recent abusive ex, I felt paralyzed in not being able to express my anger articulately and effectively. I either wanted to explode but without the words to express why, or I just completely shut down. He was incredibly manipulative and domineering during fights, and I would just sit there silently and take it much of the time... it's just the effect he had on me. It's like it sucked the brain power out of me and I couldn't handle it. He would want me to react or respond but I felt like my voice was taken out of my body and by the time we were done, I felt that I was wrong and bad.

This guy was a real prize. Not only was he emotionally abusive, but he essentially strung me along and used me for sex for 3 years while I just nodded and went along with it, like I was hypnotized or something. So it doesn't say much for me either.

I cut him out of my life about a year ago, but the hurt is with me today like it just happened. I'm ashamed that I let someone treat me that way, at 31. I mean dammit, I thought I was over these stupid patterns. It's my fault for picking and staying with these people. But honestly sometimes I wonder.. is it me? Am I making these people act crazy?? I certainly don't have a fan club of ride or die bffs telling me that no, of course I'm good and no, there's nothing wrong with me. So it's always been easy for me to believe all these people who tell me I'm shitty. It's like when you hear someone say that all of their exes are crazy but then you realize, oh man, it's because he/she made them crazy. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm that person that seems to bring out the evil in people.

I'm in therapy and working on establishing better boundaries with people and trying to make sure I don't keep picking people who treat me badly. But it doesn't make my current frustration at the past others and past me go away. My therapist is nice to talk to but not really helpful in this regard. She'd say something like "I wish you would have raged on recent ex]" which honestly feels unproductive because it leads me to beat myself up about the situation even more about what I didn't do, didn't say, etc. She doesn't provide much comfort or practical tips beyond things like why don't you meditate or try an adaptogenic herb! Maybe hot tea!

It feels horrible. I can't displace it or channel it. All of these people who hurt me, manipulated me, and treated me like garbage are out of my life completely, which is a good thing but it also means I have nowhere to put my anger. It feels like it consumes me, and I have no way out. I exercise regularly (multiple times a week) and while it takes the edge off, I still tend to live in this state of hurt.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been through this and made it out the other side, somehow. I feel doomed to be an angry, bitter person for the rest of my life – and I don't want that. It's feeling like a more constant state of mind for me. I think I'm partly looking for reassurance that I'm not the only one who struggles with issues with expressing anger. I feel so alone in this. Any tips for channeling and releasing this feeling would be so helpful. Thank you for listening.

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