How do I introvert?

Post date: 2019-05-25 04:37:22
Views: 169
I'm an introvert (yeah, I know, join the club). I often feel guilty about being an introvert, so I act in ways contrary to my nature, thus making me, not to mention people around me, unhappy (but, frankly, mostly me). How can I honor my own nature in the way most likely to take everyone's needs into account? (Apologies in advance for the length.)

This question was actually precipitated by something specific. I was at a music festival last weekend from Friday to Sunday. I deliberately got my own hotel room rather than staying at an AirBnB with some of my friends because I knew I would be driven batshit crazy if I didn't get some time alone. So far so good. Everything was fine on Friday and we all had a great time.

So on Saturday, I was spending some time alone in the morning and afternoon before the doors at the venue opened. I'll cut to the chase so as not to drag this out interminably: although I had really wanted to spend most of the day alone, I wound up spending the entire day and evening before the show with a friend of mine (who I love! she didn't do anything wrong!) who is, to put it mildly, gregarious. Like, the type who will walk into a bar and make friends with every single person sitting around her. Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that it wound up being extremely overwhelming, and by the end of the night, I finally told her that I needed to go and walked back to the hotel sobbing. Luckily I was in a city so no one took much notice, but still. It took me literally a couple of days to calm down. (I'll just note this isn't actually normal for me, but I stupidly took psychedelics before the show. Yeah, I know, I know.)

I did a lot of thinking about this, and realized what had gone wrong: I hate disappointing people. Hate. Deep hatred. So rather than tell my friend, "Listen, I think I'm going to just go back to the hotel and take a nap for a couple of hours, I'll see you at the venue," I hung out with her and a bunch of people I didn't know because I was afraid she'd be insulted or angry if I told her I would catch her later. For that reason, by the time the venue opened, I was already completely drained.

So the question I'm getting to in a roundabout way is: how can I reframe this situation for myself so that I don't feel guilty or ambivalent about saying to people, "Hey, you know, nothing to do with you at all, but I'm going to have to leave you here so I can be up for seeing you later." Honestly, although I think people are generally aware that introverts like me exist, I still think they take it personally when we, well, just don't want to be around other people, including them.

I'll also say I kind of loathe the way that many introverts are portray themselves as very special, delicate flowers, see e.g., this comic (yeah, that's right, being an introvert is exactly like walking around in a fucking hamster ball, great way to make us look like freaks, genius) so I'd rather not use that frame of reference.
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